Saturday, December 08, 2007

For Educational Purposes Only

Fran of FranIam has tagged me with this meme and I'm now getting around to posting my response!

Here's how it works. You must write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND- and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.

So here goes. First of all, I am going to take the first one from Fran's list:

How To Read 283 Blogs A Day, Plus Write One Clever Post Daily (or semi-daily anyway), In 24 Minutes or Less

"This 12 week course will be time well spent for the busy blogger." Like Fran, I find it a big challenge to read all the great blogs I have become addicted to in the limited amount of time available to me. I try to scatter myself randomly among them and hope that I manage to catch up with all of them in due time. But one of the biggest time-wasters, working, takes up most of my day, and it is hard to find the time to both read blogs and write in one.

Once I pass this course I look forward to adding still more must-read blogs to my blogroll and reading all of them every day! It is a course no one should miss.

OK, one down and four to go. Let's see...

How to Watch George W. Bush Make a Speech Without Screaming at the Television:

This isn't so much a course as a therapy session. It's a one-day event at which you are given tips on how to survive a speech or news conference given by Dubya without having a conniption. You will be taught how to dim your eyesight so as not to see his trademark smirk (very dark glasses). You will be taught to put earplugs in your ears so as not to hear him mangle the English language and lie about whatever his lie of the day may be. Medication will be dispersed to participants (Xanax or an equal generic substitute) to be taken before attempting to watch the next speech. And, as a last resort, you will be given a remote control and taught how to turn off the television in case none of the above work and you feel a scream coming on.

Remedial Blogging Skills

This 6-week course will provide those with limited understanding of the more arcane aspects of computer use with a good foundation to continue expanding their skill set in this arena. Not sure how to upload a picture onto the sidebar of your blog? Finding it hard to understand all the blogging-related technicalities? (Example: What is U-Comment, I-follow? Take this course and you will know!)

Herding Cats I

We all know cats are notoriously hard to train. However, some people manage to do it, so we know it's possible! This 8-week course will teach you how to get your cat to come when called, stop scratching the sofa, stop sitting in front of the computer screen when you're trying to blog, and not use the dog's bed as a litter box when his own box is dirty. The advanced course (only available for those who have taken Herding Cats I) will teach more complex tasks such as getting your cat to fetch you a beer. Cat not provided; please bring your own.

How to Walk Your Dog Without Going Outside

Tired of taking Fido on those long walks in the depths of the winter? Then this course will solve your problem. Did you know your dog can be taught to do his or her business on command? If not, then you must take this one-day course. Learn how to instruct your hound to go out into the yard and do what he needs to do and come back, all without leaving the comfort of your back door!

If you have a fenced-in yard, you only need these foolproof methods that are taught in this class. If you don't, then you will also need a 26-foot retractable leash. You can then stand there and let your pooch unwind that leash to its full 26 feet and accomplish his task - at a comfortable distance while you stand within the back door. Again, dog not provided, bring your own.

(This is actually true, e-mail me for tips! Most dog-lovers probably know this already!)

How to Survive the Holidays Without Going Crazy

If you lack that holiday spirit and just want the holidays to be OVER, already, this course is for you. Held on two consecutive weekends in October, you will learn the following skills:

- How to convince your family that none of you really need to have any gifts since you already have more things than you'll ever need and buy everything you want throughout the year anyway.

- How to get away with just buying a token Christmas tree and avoiding the big "decorate the tree and have a big fight while you're trying to put up the lights" syndrome.

- How to buy your entire Christmas or Hannukkah (or holiday of your choice) dinner at a local gourmet grocery store and just heat it up instead of cooking all that stuff for the family from scratch. Also - store bought Christmas cookies! They're available at your bakery!

- The wonders of gift bags for those few gifts you absolutely have to buy - who needs all that wrapping paper and tape?

- How to decorate the outside of your house in 5 minutes (Hint: Wreaths. They're easy, they're classic - and classy.) Alternatively: Leave the lights up all year. Turn them on on December 1st.

- The last lesson - "How to Give to Charity." Learn the skills of opening your checkbook and writing out checks to people less fortunate than you. It will bring back that holiday spirit in no time.

(And if you still don't have holiday spirit you can always listen to The 12 Pains of Christmas to feel you're not alone).

So that's it! And who will be next? I hate to tag too so I'll just pick a few folks and if you want to do it you can, if not, you don't need to feel obligated. And anyone else who wants to do it who isn't tagged, go for it!

Nick at This is It
POP at Morning Martini

Have fun!


TomCat said...

Before trying to herd me, you have to scratch me right above the tail. ;-)

Distributorcap said...

the george bush is course is doomed to fail.......

you made me LOL this morninig

Mauigirl said...

Tomcat, I understand that does it every time!

DCap, glad you liked it. The George Bush course may work if one takes enough Xanax...

Fran said...

Laughing? I am roaring.

Can't wait for school to begin! Are classes on the Maui campus? Please?!

Fran said...

I failed to say thank you for being a good sport with this one!!!!

That's what making me laugh to hard does- I forget my manners!

splord said...

Done, Oh Meandering Girl of Maui. Thanks, 'twas fun!

pissed off patricia said...

Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I must pass on the tag.

Your post made me go from crying to laughing. Thanks for that too.

Mauigirl said...

Thanks, Fran, glad you enjoyed it! I enjoyed doing it too - it was a good one for a Saturday, plenty of time to play around with it! (And yes, let's definitely have the classes on Maui!)

Phydeaux, will come over now and take a look at your classes!

POP, totally understand, it's always voluntary! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Sign me up for the GWB class. Will that keep me from puking and throwing things, too?

Dorothy said...

I dream of the days I am caught up and can read more blogs.

I lately feel like a sinking ship..

have a great one.

Dorothy from grammology
call gram

Anonymous said...

just lol!! LOL , these words can describe that! you got me rolling this early tuesday morning! lol

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