Baxter's Story

As I promised Tomcat, I am turning over the blog to my cat Baxter for this post. It's only fair that he gets equal time, after Diva got to do an entire meme herself.

Hello, I am Baxter the Cat. Here you see me lying on the Dog's bed. (I hope this angle doesn't make my butt look too big. I'm very particular about having my picture taken.)

I live in a house with two Humans and a Dog. I will not dignify the Dog with a name, although the Humans seem to call her "Diva." She is the second dog I have lived with, and I must say I don't find her an improvement over the first one. The previous one chased me but I used to get back at her by hiding behind a door and smacking her on the rear end when she walked by. She wasn't quite as rambunctious as this one. This one is very noisy and barks loudly at me sometimes. I have to growl and sometimes I hiss in order to put her in her place. I always like getting the upper hand by being up high and then sometimes I can smack her on the nose.

I didn't always live here. I was found as a kitten by a nice person about two blocks away, but when they brought me into their house, I found to my horror they had 17 other cats living there! It was no place for someone like me. I like my privacy, and I expect to get all the adulation of the Humans in the household. I don't like to share my companionship with so many.

So after awhile they brought me to a nice place called The Homeless Animal Adoption League, or HAAL, which specializes in finding homes for cats and kittens. They had me what they call "fixed" - I'm not sure what was fixed, since there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. Then after I was there for awhile, this couple came in and started checking me out. They came in several times and I kept rolling on my back and flirting with them, because I know this works really well on Humans. Finally they decided to take me home, even though I wasn't a girl. Apparently for some reason they wanted a girl because their previous cat had been a girl.

Naturally once I got to this house I had to hide under the bed for a couple of days, especially when I found out they had a Dog living there. I'd come out from under the bed, stalk into the hallway carefully, see the dog, puff up all over, and run back under the bed. But I got used to the idea eventuallly and all was well.

My Female Human says I'm shy and that's why I don't come out that much when strange people are in the house. Actually it's because I am so far superior to them, I don't deign to interact with them.

However, if people come to the house often I do decide to grace them with my presence from time to time. Especially the one who comes to take care of me when my Humans are away on what they call a "vacation." After all, if she is the only companionship I get for a week or so, even I have to make the most of it. And I guess it's the least I can do when she goes to all that trouble to come over and scoop my box.

You'll notice I don't call my Humans "Mommy" and "Daddy" as the Dog does. They try to tell me to call them that but after all, Humans and cats are equals and we are all adults, so why should I call them such a juvenile title? "Humans" isn't a derogatory term, it merely describes what they are.

Although many people think cats just lie around all day, I actually do a lot of work around here. When my Female Human changes the sheets on the bed, I have to help. I immediately jump up on the bed and lie on the sheets so that she needs to pull them out from under me to strip the bed. Then when she puts on the new sheets, I need to be under them so she can play with me by tickling the sheet so that I can pounce on her fingers. Then she has to put the sheet over my head until I get tired of it and jump off.

Another task I have is to help her or my Male Human when they are on the computer. It is my job to jump up in front of the screen so that they have to look at me, glorious me, rather than that stupid screen. I know they appreciate this a lot because they often pat me. Of course, they sometimes make me move over for some reason. I don't know why they would rather look at that stupid screen than me, but there is no accounting for Human tastes.

For awhile I was studying to be an accountant, and specialized in shredding documents, particularly bills. However, my Humans now bank on-line, so there aren't many bills lying around within reach anymore, and besides, with Sarbanes-Oxley and all, there is much less call for this type of skill. So I just specialize in sheets, laundry (lying on clean clothes in the basket) and computer blocking.

I do sleep on the bed with my Humans most nights, once the Dog has fallen sound asleep. For some reason at that point she becomes helpless and no longer able to chase me. So we share the bed very nicely for much of the night.

I never go outside. I know some cats go outside but then things happen to them; they can get sick or hurt or run over. So my Humans don't let me out. I have no desire to go out anyway - if the door opens I run in the other direction. Why should I want to go out when I have everything I need here?

Being highly intelligent, I have a lot of opinions on things and my Female Human says that in the future she will let me post on this thing she calls the "blog" from time to time and express my opinions. I look forward to sharing them with you, as I know you will benefit from my vast wisdom.

Thank you for your attention. It's time for my nap now so I will sign off. We cats need to nap a lot. It's good for our stress levels. Humans should do more of it.

For Educational Purposes Only

Fran of FranIam has tagged me with this meme and I'm now getting around to posting my response!

Here's how it works. You must write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND- and this is important, ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.

So here goes. First of all, I am going to take the first one from Fran's list:

How To Read 283 Blogs A Day, Plus Write One Clever Post Daily (or semi-daily anyway), In 24 Minutes or Less

"This 12 week course will be time well spent for the busy blogger." Like Fran, I find it a big challenge to read all the great blogs I have become addicted to in the limited amount of time available to me. I try to scatter myself randomly among them and hope that I manage to catch up with all of them in due time. But one of the biggest time-wasters, working, takes up most of my day, and it is hard to find the time to both read blogs and write in one.

Once I pass this course I look forward to adding still more must-read blogs to my blogroll and reading all of them every day! It is a course no one should miss.

OK, one down and four to go. Let's see...

How to Watch George W. Bush Make a Speech Without Screaming at the Television:














This isn't so much a course as a therapy session. It's a one-day event at which you are given tips on how to survive a speech or news conference given by Dubya without having a conniption. You will be taught how to dim your eyesight so as not to see his trademark smirk (very dark glasses). You will be taught to put earplugs in your ears so as not to hear him mangle the English language and lie about whatever his lie of the day may be. Medication will be dispersed to participants (Xanax or an equal generic substitute) to be taken before attempting to watch the next speech. And, as a last resort, you will be given a remote control and taught how to turn off the television in case none of the above work and you feel a scream coming on.

Remedial Blogging Skills

This 6-week course will provide those with limited understanding of the more arcane aspects of computer use with a good foundation to continue expanding their skill set in this arena. Not sure how to upload a picture onto the sidebar of your blog? Finding it hard to understand all the blogging-related technicalities? (Example: What is U-Comment, I-follow? Take this course and you will know!)

Herding Cats I

We all know cats are notoriously hard to train. However, some people manage to do it, so we know it's possible! This 8-week course will teach you how to get your cat to come when called, stop scratching the sofa, stop sitting in front of the computer screen when you're trying to blog, and not use the dog's bed as a litter box when his own box is dirty. The advanced course (only available for those who have taken Herding Cats I) will teach more complex tasks such as getting your cat to fetch you a beer. Cat not provided; please bring your own.

How to Walk Your Dog Without Going Outside


Tired of taking Fido on those long walks in the depths of the winter? Then this course will solve your problem. Did you know your dog can be taught to do his or her business on command? If not, then you must take this one-day course. Learn how to instruct your hound to go out into the yard and do what he needs to do and come back, all without leaving the comfort of your back door!

If you have a fenced-in yard, you only need these foolproof methods that are taught in this class. If you don't, then you will also need a 26-foot retractable leash. You can then stand there and let your pooch unwind that leash to its full 26 feet and accomplish his task - at a comfortable distance while you stand within the back door. Again, dog not provided, bring your own.

(This is actually true, e-mail me for tips! Most dog-lovers probably know this already!)

How to Survive the Holidays Without Going Crazy

If you lack that holiday spirit and just want the holidays to be OVER, already, this course is for you. Held on two consecutive weekends in October, you will learn the following skills:

- How to convince your family that none of you really need to have any gifts since you already have more things than you'll ever need and buy everything you want throughout the year anyway.





- How to get away with just buying a token Christmas tree and avoiding the big "decorate the tree and have a big fight while you're trying to put up the lights" syndrome.







- How to buy your entire Christmas or Hannukkah (or holiday of your choice) dinner at a local gourmet grocery store and just heat it up instead of cooking all that stuff for the family from scratch. Also - store bought Christmas cookies! They're available at your bakery!






- The wonders of gift bags for those few gifts you absolutely have to buy - who needs all that wrapping paper and tape?






- How to decorate the outside of your house in 5 minutes (Hint: Wreaths. They're easy, they're classic - and classy.) Alternatively: Leave the lights up all year. Turn them on on December 1st.






- The last lesson - "How to Give to Charity." Learn the skills of opening your checkbook and writing out checks to people less fortunate than you. It will bring back that holiday spirit in no time.







(And if you still don't have holiday spirit you can always listen to The 12 Pains of Christmas to feel you're not alone).

So that's it! And who will be next? I hate to tag too so I'll just pick a few folks and if you want to do it you can, if not, you don't need to feel obligated. And anyone else who wants to do it who isn't tagged, go for it!

Makanani
Phydeaux
Nick at This is It
POP at Morning Martini

Have fun!

Diva Misses Her Daddy

DH has been away on a business trip since Tuesday, which means I have been in charge of all dog and house-related tasks (such as watering all the outdoor potted plants).

No one will be happier when DH comes back than Diva.

You see, DH is the one who ordinarily gets home first, feeds her and takes her for her walk. When he is away, this task falls to me. And I don't live up to her expectations. In fact, I fall woefully short, in her estimation.

It's not that I begrudge her her fun. I know she deserves it after being cooped up all day. And on weekends I'm happy to go for long walks with her. It's just during the week we have a different perspective on things.

When I get home from work, Diva is all excited. She is ready to rumble. She comes to the door barking, picks up her ball, and comes running out, wagging all over. She anticipates her dinner (Dinner! Oh boy! Dinner!) and then her walk (Walk! Oh boy! Walk!).

I, on the other hand, am coming home from work. I'm tired. And my feet hurt. (As usual, I've been wearing flip flops and sandals all summer, and because I have flat feet, by August I always develop a pain in my left ankle. This year I have added a new phenomenon: plantar fasciitis. Both of my heels kill me when I first stand up and start walking. I know the only cure is to wear regular shoes with the expensive $300 orthotics that I have somewhere in the house, but I refuse to do this during the summer. So I suffer.)

So, needless to say, I try to get away with as little as possible in the walk-the-dog department. Of course I do walk her. I have to; she refuses to do anything in the yard unless she is desperate, because then she knows I might con her out of walking somewhere at all. Her mother didn't raise any foolish puppies.

But instead of taking her all around both sections of the park, which would be about a mile round trip, I try to take her in different directions so that she doesn't have a route all mapped out in her mind that she is intent on completing. If I try to take her to the park and not go as far as she expects, she'll put her brakes on when I try to turn back toward home, and it is often impossible to move her.

So tonight I managed to keep it fairly short, by reversing the usual direction I take her. After having had a very long day of work, I was looking forward to a relaxing evening.

But because Diva has not had, for the past three nights, the usual one-mile walk that DH takes her on, she was full of energy tonight and would not leave me in peace.

After having had cereal for dinner two nights in a row, tonight I decided to actually make myself something healthier and had a salad. But could I eat it in a relaxed manner? No. Diva wanted me to play ball with her. So I did that while I tried to eat.

Then I wanted to watch a very interesting program on reincarnation, a favorite possible philosophy of mine, on Channel 21 (PBS). Did I get to concentrate on this program? No. Diva decided to bark randomly and loudly throughout the second half of the show. It was never clear what she wanted of me, other than attention (which of course she got). It is possible she was just ranting at me and telling me that I am extremely boring.

I finally gave up and we went up to bed, where she is now sprawled out in her usual manner, her energy finally used up.

Yes, Diva will be very glad when her daddy is home. So will I.

But at least I watered the plants.

Every Cat Has His Day

I was just cruising around various blogs and came across a whole bunch of cat blogs. They are mostly blogs written by the cats themselves rather than the owner of the cats. Some cats know how to spell, others are more challenged in that area.

Here is a link to the one I had first found - Jeter Harris. Mr. Harris is a tiger cat from New York City and is a huge Yankees fan. He has tons of links to other cat blogs in his links list.

http://jeterharris.blogspot.com/

This plethora of catdom made me realize I had been neglecting my very own cat, Baxter. I have hardly even mentioned him, even when he has often been sitting solidly in front of my computer screen, and moving the mouse around by rubbing his head on my hand as I try to type.

And who gets all the pictures posted on the blog? The dog.

Baxter is highly affronted that I have ignored him all this time. After all, he was here first. He was an only pet for the 2-1/2 months after Alice died and before we got Diva. And he liked it that way. He has still not totally accepted Diva's existence in the house and finds it annoying every time he realizes she's still here.

If she so much as comes near him, he growls. If she gets too close, the growl escalates into the "ROWWR" noise. Anything further, and it is the hiss. Which only gets Diva excited. She thinks he wants to play, so she starts hitting at him with her paws. This does not go over well with Baxter and he usually takes off at this point, giving the dog a chance to chase him until he goes under a bed somewhere and escapes.

Luckily, once the dog is asleep, Baxter knows he's safe and can come in to the room and cuddle with us. He also sleeps on the bed with us and the dog.

At any rate, in order to appease Baxter's pride, I am now going to post a few pictures of him so you can see him in all his glory. He is very large, about 17 lbs.; and he's big, not fat. I like to say he's "big boned."