Do you ever reach a phase of your life when you suddenly feel as if everything is up in the air? When you feel as if you're at a crossroads, that new possibilities are opening up, that changes are in the air and your life may be on the edge of a new beginning? It includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, but along with it, a sense of excitement.
I feel that way right now. I think it's partly because my job situation at the Big Corporation is about to change fairly drastically in mid-summer, and while I know I will still have the same general job, it will be in a new location and there are a lot of unknowns. It could be different and more interesting. Or it could be the same old thing. I won't know until it happens.
Another factor is, I'll be turning 55 in September, and although I probably can't afford to retire yet, it is making me think about what I want to do next. Once I hit that magic number, I am at least entitled to collect my pension, whether I choose to or not, and this opens up more flexibility in what I might be able to do. I feel as if this is it; if I don't do something new now, it will soon be too late.
Another piece of it is this idea of buying a place in the Adirondacks. Although the plan is for it to be a weekend getaway,and a place we can go for summer vacations, I feel as if it could be more than that.
I am envisioning it as an escape, and as a result am developing an obsession with finding that cabin we're looking for. Now that we've decided to buy something up there, it makes me want to just leave my job, leave my town, and move there permanently, escape from everything.
Perhaps it's some kind of midlife crisis. I feel as if there are too many responsibilities here, too many worries and too much stress. I think I've started to think of this imaginary cabin as the solution to all of it.
If we could just go there and never come back, we could live a peaceful and quiet life in the mountains. We'd awaken at dawn to the sound of thousands of songbirds in the dense woods surrounding the cabin. We'd sit in front of a glowing fire at night and actually talk instead of watching TV. In the winter the snow would pile up outside the windows and it wouldn't matter because we wouldn't have to dig out and go to work the next day.
So then I start fantasizing about this whole idea of completely changing our lifestyle...we'll take up hiking and snowshoeing and cross-country skiing! I'll grow my hair long and wear it in one long gray braid, and never have to buy new clothes again. And we'll actually cook every day and eat healthy food and take up yoga and raise our own vegetables and herbs. I'll learn how to play the guitar! Maybe we'll even live "off the grid"!
But then reality hits me. Of course we can't do that, and really wouldn't even want to, since our families and friends are here in New Jersey. And how can we afford to own this new property if we don't stay at our jobs at least until the mortgage is paid? And I'd have to have the Internet! How could I live off the grid?
Sigh. Why does reality have to be such a party-pooper?
But still...I get the urge for going...
With that I'll leave you with this great video of a very young Joni Mitchell, singing "Urge for Going" back in 1966. I tried to embed it but it didn't work for some reason, so just click on this link!
Urge for Going